As far as sugar detox goes, it's really hard to stay loyal while trying load on calories, but it works! I have a few spoonfuls of coconut oil (120 calories/TBSP) to fill me up. Loads of turkey, chicken, and squash, and I'm a happy girl. My taste buds don't care for me, but hopefully my body does.
By this point, I hope everyone is sleeping well and feeling better! Over halfway done!! Isn't it great. Hard to believe I have gone without a QuestBar for 12 days. Those things are seriously my gateway drug. Gateway to all other desserts I mean. This sugar detox was mainly to get me off of the desserts, which I have been successful in doing, thank God.
A week or so ago, I threw away my scale. There's a post somewhere about it. I claimed to not care about the numbers, preaching that people feel beautiful in their own skin. I know it's not that easy. I'm a victim of self-hate too.
A lot of people ask me how I stay motivated and how my interest in fitness began. It began because I was fat.I didn't think I was fat, and I didn't care about my weight. I was in college, I ate in the food halls, and enjoyed mounds of ice cream every day. By my sophomore year, I had put on 35 pounds and looked that way. This is me after a year in college of fried food and too much alcohol: 155lbs and roughly 27% body fat.
This is the picture that made me take a step back and think "What the hell happened?!" I used to be able to do whatever I wanted and paid no price, but here, this picture, was proof that that was no longer the case. I had become everything I never wanted to be. "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead." Two days later I signed up for a figure competition. I was either going to get myself in shape by the time the show came, or I would embarrass myself.
I got a trainer, a weight loss stack, and acquired some motivation. Sixteen weeks later I competed. I didn't place, but I certainly didn't look like a fat chick.
I had slimmed down to 126 lbs and 12% body fat. Looking at this picture, I wish I could look like this all of the time, perhaps with larger quads.
After this show, things went downhill. After pre-contest dieting, the road back to normalcy is tricky. It's hard to find peace in the mirror when you're not depleted and your muscles aren't bulging. I wasn't satisfied. I got so afraid that I would turn back into who I had been that I completely stopped eating. I would run for hours on the treadmill, work out until I was so fatigued that I would fall over, and I would wake up in the middle of the night to go to the gym. I had no energy, was in a constant bad mood, and would even skip work so that I could fit in an extra workout. Two years of that led to this.
107 lbs, 5% body fat, and no strength. Lifting a barbell was almost beyond me. I was 23, a size 0, and anorexic. I was on the road to killing myself.
I started seeing a counselor, who set me on a path to gaining weight. Food was evil to me, something that would stick with me, and any bite over what I absolutely needed would sent me skyrocketing into obesity. I was living on <900 calories a day, and burned well over 3000. My counselor and I set up a plan to turn fear and obsession of food, into a loving and nurturing relationship. I have since put back on 30 pounds and have 12% body fat
As I write this, I am in hour four of my 30 hour fast. I have a binge eating disorder, as well as body dysmorphic disorder. The Warrior Diet essentially glorifies binge eating. For four hours, I consume what I want, then abandon eating for at least 16-20 hours.
When I look in the mirror, I am instantly disgusted. I don't know how others see me, but I know that no matter what I do, I will never find peace or perfection in myself. I urge everyone to love themselves. Once the habit of feeling guilty for eating becomes real, once you start doing extra cardio to burn off the calories you took in today, it's time to get help. I am fortunate enough to have family and friends that know of my struggle, and have stuck by me no matter how many pounds I weigh.
I love going to the gym. Lifting weights and moving are my favorite things to do, but there will always be the other side. The side of me that NEEDS to go to the gym, because if I don't, I fear that I will wake up fat, sick, and nearly dead. The side of me that runs the extra four miles because I had too many Kale Chips. The side of me that craves a perfection that doesn't exist.
So please, love yourself. It's much easier that way I'm sure.
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